Key Takeaways
Recognize the Signs: Physical complaints like stomach aches or nausea are often external symptoms of internal mental health struggles.
Collaborative Care: Success involves connecting your child’s therapist with school staff to create a unified support system.
Compassion First: Practicing self-compassion for yourself and validation for your child is the first step toward healing.
Understanding the Root of School Refusal
It is not uncommon for a child or teen with depression to avoid or refuse to go to school. This behavior can be disruptive to the family and heart-wrenching for parents to witness. School refusal often manifests as:
An inability or reluctance to wake up and get dressed.
Frequent visits to the school nurse or skipping specific classes.
Complaints of physical pain, such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or diarrhea.
While school refusal is often a manifestation of an illness like depression or anxiety, it can also stem from bullying or family issues. As Lee Dal Pra, LCSW, Director of Child Programs at Compass Health Center, notes: “It’s so important to have self-compassion. It’s a painful process for parents, caregivers, and everyone.”
6 Ways to Support Your Child’s Return to School
One of the most important steps is understanding why your child is struggling. Once you have identified the cause, use these six strategies to move forward:
1. Avoid the Power Struggle
When your child refuses to go to school, try to remain calm. Getting upset can escalate the situation and increase stress for both of you. This is not a helpful headspace for a child who is already overwhelmed.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Think about what would be helpful if you were in your child’s shoes. Knowing that a parent understands their pain and acknowledges that getting to school is hard can provide immense comfort.
3. Reinforce the Plan
Remind your child of the support plan you have in place. If they are learning coping skills in therapy, ask the therapist to teach them to you as well. Review these skills daily and, with your child’s permission, cue in teachers so they can provide support during the school day.
4. Establish a Safe Space
Many students fear “losing control” or having an emotional breakdown in front of peers. Work with the school to establish a safe place—such as the nurse’s or social worker’s office—where your child can go to collect themselves.
5. Practice Patience
Be firm about the importance of school attendance, but understand that overcoming chronic school refusal takes time. It is a journey, not a quick fix.
6. Reward and Praise Improvement
When you are depressed, you often see failure in everything. Counteract this by pointing out even the smallest steps in the right direction. Positivity and praise for using their skills are incredibly powerful tools for recovery.
Data-Driven Hope: The ELH Impact
At Erika’s Lighthouse, our 2024-25 Program Impact Report highlights that when schools implement a “Culture of Care,” students feel safer. After using our resources, 11% more students reported feeling comfortable talking with a Trusted Adult at school—a key factor in resolving school refusal.
By leveraging our Four Pillar Philosophy—specifically Family Engagement and Staff Training—we help ensure that the school environment is prepared to welcome your child back with empathy and professional support.
Questions and Answers
What if my child says they feel physically ill every morning? Physical symptoms like nausea or headaches are very real to the child but are often the body’s response to the stress of depression or anxiety. If a pediatrician rules out a physical illness, these are likely signs of school refusal.
How can I get the school to cooperate with my child’s therapist? Ensure you have signed the necessary release forms so the school and therapist can communicate. This allows for a consistent, seamless approach that is much more effective for the student.
Where can I find more specific advice for parents? Erika’s Lighthouse offers a free, three-part Family Workbook Series available in English and Spanish. These workbooks provide practical, parent-to-parent advice for navigating these exact challenges.
What to do about chronic school refusal?
Chronic school refusal may mean a therapeutic school environment is needed for your child. Talk to your child’s school if you believe this step is necessary, as it can sometimes be challenging to get the school’s buy-in. IDEA/IDIEA (Federal law) requires that a school must provide children with the least restrictive educational environment. For a child exhibiting chronic school refusal, this means that every available school intervention must be exhausted before a school district will fund a therapeutic school placement. If you have the resources, you may decide to initiate the process on your own. If you choose to do this, you can talk to your child’s pediatrician or therapist, who may have some suggestions for you. You can also contact the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (www.natsap.org) to find a school or hire an educational consultant who specializes in therapeutic schools. The Independent Educational Consultant Association (www.iecaonline.com) is a good resource to help you find a consultant in your area. For more information download our Family Handbook .
